Emotional Eating: Navigating Social Events

Cori (00:00):
Welcome to the Redefining Strength Podcast. Everything you need to succeed on your health and fitness journey, even the stuff you don’t want to hear. We can have our goals, but it can feel like every weekend we are constantly sabotaged by parties, by travel, by different things coming up, and it can feel like we’re good all week only to end up falling off. And instead of making this excuse that our weekend sabotage us, party sabotage us, we need to find a way to navigate these events. That’s why I’m super excited to be joined by Michelle, so we can talk about passing the love not the plate, and we can find ways to really reach our goals, but also navigate the big events. So Michelle, thank you so much for joining me today.

Michelle (00:44):
Thank you for having me.

Cori (00:45):
So let’s talk about this. It can be really hard when we have all these big events to find our balance because we don’t always want to be that person on a diet yet something has to change if we want to reach our goals. So how can we start to navigate food events and our goals?

Michelle (01:03):
I love that because I think right now we’re really in the season, and honestly it happens multiple times a year where you have that season where there’s reunions, there’s vacations. It’s that season where everyone kind of brings a dish season. And so lots of opportunities to fall off. And the number one thing is you have to go in with a plan. You have to set some boundaries for yourself and it can change per event. It can change for whatever’s going to really suit you. But if you don’t have those boundaries already in place, and you kind of have even practiced how some of your responses are going to be when you have someone that’s pushing a plate in front of you or trying to encourage you to consume something, we all have food pushers and oftentimes those food pushers are the people that we love. So if you don’t have a game plan set in place to even have a response for them, you’re probably going to fail. So this is something that’s going to take practice. It’s going to take, maybe go to one event and you had a game plan and maybe it doesn’t quite work. You’re going to reflect on it. You’re going to be more prepared for the next time. This isn’t a one and done. This is an adaptable approach, but you have to start with some type of a boundary for yourself.

Cori (02:18):
And I think that planning ahead is so key because it allows you to truly take ownership of also what you want. So often we think I have a goal, I can’t do this. And the mindsets and the language we use even to describe why we’re not indulging in something not only makes us want to indulge more potentially, but it holds us back from truly striking our balance or taking ownership of the choice that we’re making because as you mentioned, it will evolve. There might be a season where you say, Hey, I am not going to indulge in these different things at events because my goals are important. I need this consistency to create that change that I want to see as dramatically as I want to see it. And then at another time, you shift the focus and you do something different. But also the attitude of I’m the person on a diet I can’t have that mindset, doesn’t allow us to truly embrace the changes we actually want to make and we haven’t even planned to make. So as you’re taking ownership of what you want to do at the event, think about the language you’re really using to describe the habits you want because it’s very different to be like, oh, I’m choosing not to have this at this party because I want this balance. I’m going to work in these specific things versus, oh, I can’t have anything at this party. I need to be good. I have to be good. Right? It’s sort of that mindset too behind the actions that really adds up.

Michelle (03:30):
I love that because I really think there’s power and like you said in the mindset that you’re going about of even saying no, and maybe it’s really not a no, it’s just not now. It doesn’t mean not ever, just not now. So I think that’s something it keeps us from having this all or nothing attitude too, where if maybe you do indulge a little bit, it’s not like, oh, well I might as well go all the way because I’m off a little bit. So I do think that’s something that we need to really own is the language that we’re saying or even setting our boundaries within. So I love that you provided that.

Cori (04:07):
And we’re often so worried about what others will think of our behaviors when they only see a very small portion of our lifestyle and they aren’t going to judge us because they’re judging based on what they feel too. Their own struggles, their own successes. And so we have to take ownership of what we want to remember. Our journey will be unique. But even off of that, in assessing what you want to do, it’s not only that you might do something at a different point in your journey, but also going to different restaurants, there might be different importance. Different events might have different significance and different foods that you even enjoy. Where I can find, there’s times where I go out with family where I’m like, oh, this restaurant has healthy options. I don’t necessarily crave anything, so I’m going to do something that hits my macros.

(04:47):
Versus there might be another restaurant where I’m like, if I don’t get to have X, I will feel like I missed out, so I’m going to enjoy X. So there’s so many different ways to plan. And then even as you said, just because you do something potentially even that you didn’t plan doesn’t mean that you ruin the day. You could have gone higher protein, lower calorie early in the day to have that buffer just in case you could do something to get right back on track. Just because you get a flat tire doesn’t mean you pull over to the side of the road, right, and you slash the other three and light the car in fire and then walk away. You do what you can to move forward and learn from it. Even recognizing that that might help you strike a better balance next time.

Michelle (05:22):
Exactly. And honestly, when it comes to setting these boundaries, I think we talked about how language is important, that a boundary isn’t a forever rule. It’s really just something to provide you clarity and confidence. It usually actually reduces anxiety around these events because you’re going in with a game plan, you already have that structure put into place, you know what you may say or how you’re going to potentially turn down certain things or indulge in other things because you value it higher. So the more that you can even allow yourself that space to actually enjoy the event, by pre-planning what those boundaries are, you’re going to find that you’re going to just be able to sit better with the terms that you have provided versus feeling being at the place or being at the event or being at the family reunion and feeling the stress. This is often what I hear the most about is I hear anxiety, the stress, and if you can go in with that clarity, that confidence in your game plan, we can reduce that stress that you’re going to fill it around these events.

Cori (06:28):
And by going in with that game plan, I think there’s a few different things you’re doing. You are questioning the I deserve, right? Because we’ll say, well, I deserve to get to relax on this day. Okay, well you also deserve your goals. And sometimes to get what we deserve means also doing something that we don’t always want to do. So we have to question the language of deserve. We also have to think about worthwhile because I think a lot of times we don’t recognize, Hey, I’ve just always done this. This is a routine, this is a pattern, but is this really worth it to me? Am I actually enjoying this as much as I think I am or is it just a pattern I’ve created? And I’m kind of struggling to question that pattern because again, going back to even the example of the restaurant, there’s certain things that I realized I was just doing because oh, I go out to eat, I just get what I want versus, oh, is this really worthwhile?

(07:12):
Or would I actually enjoy the healthier thing, the more macro friendly thing, just as much, and then also feel really good because it was worthwhile for my goals. So it’s balancing all of those different things and then also recognizing who we’re doing it for because I think a lot of times we don’t recognize that we’re doing it for the other people there and their perception of us not taking ownership of the goals that we actually want to pursue. And they don’t have to live the other days in our life. They don’t have to have the struggles, the frustrations that we have. They’re only seeing this one component and they’re judging no matter what to some extent. So it’s about being true to what you want and then not even apologizing for it. Because I think a lot of times we feel the need to defend and when we defend, we end up making ourself question our own actions a little bit more.

Michelle (08:01):
Yeah, I love this because this isn’t a place where you should feel like you have to defend anything. I mean, at the end of the day, you make your choices and everyone else makes their choices or their judgments on their own behalf. And the thing is, oftentimes in the moment you may feel questioned, but oftentimes one thing that I’ve discussed with clients in the past too is when they get to their goal, how often do people do those same people that maybe were questioning or maybe you felt that you were defensive to is saying, Hey, what have you been doing? How have you gotten here? So I think that’s also something to kind of keep in mind is those same people that you may feel like you have to defend are probably going to be the same people that later down the road ask, Hey, what have you been doing? We

Cori (08:46):
Want the hard thing to achieve. And then we slightly balk at the fact that there are hard things we have to do to get there. But if you think about any great, I know you might be like, well, I’m just on a weight loss journey, but any great movie with a hero that succeeds, an athlete that succeeds, someone who accomplishes great things, there were always naysayers, people that said they were obsessive, people that doubted their actions and then wanted to repeat those same things once they saw that success as you brought up. So it is really staying true to what you want, but then recognizing that when you feel the need to defend, you’re also putting doubt in your own mind, which then makes it harder to replicate the habits that you really want, which goes back to your whole thing of you got to go in with the game plan, you got to think through all these sort of plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G, all the different mindsets that might even come up with that. Even what game plans you’ve tried in the past that you’re trying to force again in a different mold that didn’t work out and why they didn’t work out. Because it might be that the actions actually didn’t work or that the mindsets weren’t there behind them.

Michelle (09:48):
Yes, and I think, so there’s a few things to even go about establishing those boundaries, like things that you want to consider when you’re going through, whether it’s deciding what is your goal going to be? Is this going to be a day that you just don’t track? Is this going to be a day that you are going to as you put, Hey, I can actually easily hit all my macros this day and just make some tweaks along the day to do that. Is it going to be you have a calorie goal and a protein goal and that’s going to be what you focus on? Are you going to pre-plan and maybe eat a little bit more protein, a little lower carb because you plan to maybe have more carbs at the event? There’s lots of ways that you can go about doing this that is hopefully going to feel right for you.

(10:30):
And again, it can change. Are we going to limit alcohol? Are you going to to just have one drink? Are you just going to avoid the alcohol at the event? Those are all the things that you want to consider and it’s going to change from event to event, but also it’s going to help you find your balance of what’s really going to be worth it to you. And the number one thing is your goal is what you value. Not everyone’s going to see it the same way, and that’s okay. Not all of us are going to value our goals the exact same. And so yeah, you are going to be a little bit different and that’s okay, but oftentimes there’s other things that we can go about to also deflect some of the attention in these scenarios, and we’ll even cover that in a little bit as well. Well, I want to go right into

Cori (11:11):
That because I think deflecting is a very important thing to think about how you’re going to say no to something because we so often think, oh, I’ll just say no. And sometimes you know what? Just being like, no, I’m good is the right way because in any defense, any like, oh no, I’m good, I ate more earlier. That then makes us question our own decision or makes it more awkward or gives them almost room to question us because we’re introducing doubt. So sometimes yes, just saying no is good, but there’s also a lot of ways to just strike your balance and not have anybody notice. There’s been lots of times like, oh, I’ll grab some in a bit. I’m busy right now. I want to go over and talk to X person. Or before I do that, tell me this story. There’s lots of ways to change the subject, keep connection, keep the other elements that you really want there. So let’s talk a little bit about ways to navigate saying no that aren’t just direct, like, oh, no, I feel awkward. I’m saying no.

Michelle (12:05):
Yes. And I’ll be honest, I’m the queen of the deflection because I’m a major people pleaser. I have a hard time just flat out saying like, Nope, nope, I’m good. And I think one of the number one things when we are going to these events, when we’re seeing those people, and I lovingly call them food pushers, the ones that are always going to make sure you have something in your hand to eat and wanting you to try everything. And one thing that I think is important that we all understand is these people, we tend to be like, oh, they stress me out.

(12:35):
They’re not taking what I value or my goals seriously. But what is important I think for everyone to remember is oftentimes these people are the ones that love you. They’re not really trying. Their goal isn’t truly to derail you. They’re trying to love on you. My grandma was probably the queen food pusher of all times. I don’t think I ever went to her house where I didn’t have a cookie or a pie or a candy that was stuffed in my pocket or put in front of me. And when I left, you better believe she was giving me those leftovers to send home too. So you have to understand, for many people, food is a love language. So when someone pushes food, it’s not that they’re really wanting you to eat, it’s really that they’re looking for that connection. They’re trying to provide comfort, they’re trying to contribute to you in some way, and food is an easy way to do that.

(13:25):
So when you say no, it can sometimes for this person, and I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, but it can feel like you were rejecting them. So even if you’re not, there’s better ways that we can actually deflect or kind of make those connections without saying yes. Because again, if you’re saying no, you’re saying yes to something. And so when we are looking at those deflections, we want to really focus on the connection because in most cases that’s what their goal is, and you can do that without food. So some easy ways to say no or kind of pass it on. So if you’re wanting to say no, is being like, oh no, I’m not going to eat right now because I want to make sure I’m helping you out. Especially hostesses, they’re the queens of this. They want to make sure everyone’s being fed, being happy, but if you can step in and be like, oh, let me help you, you’re going to do two things.

(14:19):
One, you’re getting that connection with them. This is often the time where’re like, oh, you’ve worked really hard. Let me help you out in this scenario. And you are keeping yourself busy. They may see you with food because you’re helping, you may become the food pusher and may be like, Hey, what can I get for you guys? Or Let me go grab that for you or let me go set the table. The big thing at these events is keeping your hands full with something, whether it is a glass of water, whether it is you’re helping carry things from place to place, but if you can provide that, that’s going to be useful. Or it can just be like, Hey, talk to me about this recipe. Is this a family recipe? Where did you get that? Talk to me about what you did to put this on.

(15:01):
And if you can even get them to tell the story behind the food, that’s another way that we can create that connection that doesn’t actually involve you eating. Other things are just offering, or like you said, like, oh yeah, I’m really full right now, but let me see if I can have a little bit space later. Or I would love to maybe take that I’m so full right now, I want to enjoy it. So could I pack that up and take it later? And maybe that’s something that you enjoy when it fits better into your macros. And I’ll tell you, I don’t know many people that aren’t going to be pleased to be like, oh my gosh, they took the leftover, they were so excited about this. They took some of the leftover with them. So it’s another way to compliment, and even though you may not necessarily be consuming it in front of them,

Cori (15:46):
And even if you do have to or want to say no because it’s just not right for you, right, then you can still make that connection of like, oh gosh, I knew I was coming here tonight and your thing is the best, but I have to say no, I’m doing this one program and I really want to see it through. And a lot of times even that boosts to their ego that your recognition of what you want, you feel proud of owning your goals. And they also might even be like, oh, that’s really cool that you’re doing this, but there’s no questioning then. And I think that’s the important part of it’s being firm in what you want, but setting your boundaries in a way that you can still have that connection with them. You can still enjoy the party and you don’t feel like it’s the stress of you and them kind of butting heads with different things because there are times that you do just have to say no.

(16:31):
But I think taking ownership of that is really key and you are, as you said, then speaking their love language and that you’re recognizing that their thing is so good. And also sometimes you don’t say no. I think that’s an important thing to recognize that not every time when you go to an event will you say, no, you might love that pie that your aunt makes or whatever else, and you know what you work it in. Maybe your macros aren’t perfect, you go to a calorie cap, a protein minimum. Maybe you just say, Hey, I’m being overall moderate. I know this day is going to be a little off, but it could be way worse. So I’m going to create this balance with this calorie cap, this boundary for myself. And then you say yes to having that. Because maybe for you saying no, just in general, even if you’re trying to help do these other things, at the end of the day, they’re going to hand you one or it’s just going to be too much mental friction and that will cause you more pain, more discomfort than just saying yes and even having a bite or two because that’s always an option too when we get the food pushed, having the bite or two we want to work in to create that balance.

(17:28):
But sometimes you plan it in sometimes saying no can mean saying yes to the thing, you’re being pushed because that fits your balance and that actually makes you feel better overall. But it’s owning what we want and figuring out what’s the best way to handle it, not just trying to force a mold, but that lifestyle balance. I do think part of going into some of these things is that we always feel like that person on a diet restricted, and again, it’s a mindset, but it goes back to how we’ve tried to handle things potentially even in the past.

Michelle (17:58):
And I think this is so key because so often everyone kind of puts their diet on a pedestal where it’s like, the only way I can be on this diet or be working towards my goal is if I’m here and I’m perfect all the time. So that includes this day, but they’re not looking for, they have times where I was like, I’ve heard this so often. Well, I was so good, I was doing so perfect. I really don’t care about the perfect times. When I’m looking at your food, I’m actually more looking at the times where you’re like, oh, I fell off. Alright, well let’s compare it to the last time you fell off. Did we go as bad because that’s going to be the thing that actually changes the most. Yes, hopefully we can extend those periods of time where you’re hitting your goal and more consistent.

(18:41):
And of course that’s always going to be the thing, but if we can also look at those times that really lead you to these long-term fallouts, which for most people it is these type of events, these holidays where it takes them a long time to get back on track after. If we can reduce the amount of time that you’re off track or if we can be like, Hey, yeah, you maybe didn’t hit your macros perfectly, but remember last year what happened last year? How long did it take you to get back on track? Or you went in this huge calorie binge during this time, but this year you ate moderately. That’s a win and that’s going to be where true change actually happens, and that’s going to be really what pushes that will and kind of pushes you further along and closer to your journey than anything else. So it’s not always about having those perfect days or those perfect moments, it’s truly about getting that consistency and keeping the moderation. So even when you have that off date, it’s not nearly as bad as what it used to be. I think that’s

Cori (19:44):
So key. And also not to throw a wrench in the perfect plans, but what is perfect, I think the more I started to brace that there’s always room for improvement. So technically you’re never perfect. Anyway, it took a little bit of pressure off of it and I also started to realize that by trying to force the 21 day perfect plan, the six week perfect plan A, I wasn’t owning the reality of my lifestyle, which is why I kept going on a diet over actually adjusting my diet. But I realized that over the course of the year, if I were to break down the 365 days, I actually did a lot more bad things by trying to be so good, so perfect on specific days. And so once I started to strike that balance, I started to realize that overall my lows got a lot less low and the days I was eating the way I should be eating or healthier, that actually promoted optimal health got a lot better because I didn’t feel so restricted, so I didn’t swing so much the other way.

(20:35):
So I think we have to realize that the more we demonize something, we label food as bad events or habits as bad over just saying, Hey, how can I make them better? How can I make them fit my goals more? How can I make them make me feel better? The more we start to embrace that balance. You know what, when I tried to restrict dessert, I ended up eating a whole heck of a lot more sweets and sugar and all that other stuff. Then when I was like, I like dessert and then I ended up making my desserts better, it became more negotiable on times where I went out. So you’ll be surprised by how letting go of perfect and saying, Hey, I am being perfect, even if it helps you to think you have to be perfect for yourself. I’m being perfect by owning that I’m going to have this piece of pie and that I want it and is part of my balance. I’m being perfect in creating that lifestyle balance. So also shifting potentially what perfect means. If the other viewpoint of you’ll never be perfect, it doesn’t help you, right?

Michelle (21:29):
Yeah, I love that because I think one thing that I think people kind of don’t think about oftentimes is when they’re looking at these events and the things that they’re saying no to, is the effects that that’s going to have? I mean, we talked about, okay, if you say no to that dessert, all of a sudden your food noise gets a lot higher and you may be all of a sudden finding yourself, well, I said no to that dessert I really wanted, but then your food noise gets so high that you start binging on sugar just because it’s sugar and it’s around. But you said no to that one thing, so you stepped to that plan, but your plan may have been better had you been like, Hey, that is worth it to me. I know I’m going to keep my food noise. I’m going to be in more control if I enjoy that and can move on versus I said no, and now I cannot quiet the food noise.

(22:16):
And so I see that often where people will maybe say like, oh, I can’t have this. I have to say no to that, and then they say no, but then later that food noise just gets louder and louder and louder and they eventually kind of end up binging on something else that maybe they wouldn’t have enjoyed as much. And so because it’s not the thing that they’re actually thinking about, they’re not as fully satisfied. So that is also something to consider when you are creating these boundaries, when you are considering what is worth it to you is really reflect on the past when you have tried to say no or try to avoid certain things. What was that food noise like for you after? Can you strike a balance? Is it going to be a better if you actually plan in that dessert, the dessert that you’re looking forward to keep the food noise at bay?

Cori (23:04):
I think it’s also remembering that perfect is generally a highlight reel that we’re really looking back at, and it’s usually a very specific moment or short timeframe. So when we zoom out and we look at everything else, we realized not so perfect in trying to be perfect, and I bring that up because I do think you think about a vacation or whatever else, we go to that one perfect moment in life and we don’t think about, oh, well, I actually was fighting with my spouse beforehand. Then we came back and our house was flooded. We slightly ignore when we look at the highlight reel, all the other imperfect moments and don’t realize that by finding a balance and embracing them, and obviously with life, we want to look back at the good scrapbook moments, but with our diet, we want to fall victim to the highlight reel.

(23:47):
Oh, well this worked at x time. Okay, but it worked for 21 days. It worked for one month. There are 12 months in the year. There are 365 days in the year. We don’t want to get that snapshot and only focus on that highlight reel on that perfect moment. We need to often realize that when we’re saying I have been so perfect that we’re really hyper-focused and zoomed in on only a little bit of time in the grand scheme of things. And so, okay, yes, we’re perfect for this, but how can we be perfect for other seasons, other stages, other needs, other lifestyle balances to find a more perfect

Michelle (24:22):
Balance over the year? I love that. And I know we all know this, but I’m just going to say it because I think the more we say it, the more realistic it’s is. You are also comparing yourself to everyone else’s highlight reel. And it’s not. It’s human nature. We like to present our best. When you get online, you’re going to see people’s best highlights from those things. But this is why you also can’t compare. You may go to an event and maybe you have set your boundaries and someone else has a different boundary. Maybe there is a little bit, I don’t want to say strict, but maybe they have a little bit more boundaries aligned for that day than you do. That doesn’t make your boundaries any less. You have to stick to your own journey. So this isn’t a time that you’re trying to be just like anyone else because the one thing that is going to affect this more than anything truly is the mindset. We always say the body follows where the mind leads. So maybe you and the other person has very similar goals, but trying to compare your journey to them, it’s impossible because you have no idea what your mindset is compared to their mindset, what they’re valuing things differently than what you’re valuing. So just stick to making your own boundaries and not comparing to anyone else’s that is also at that event as well.

Cori (25:44):
Couldn’t agree more because you don’t know what deficit they’ve created, what workouts they’re doing, all the other aspects of their lifestyle to make them want to enact those habits. Then and again, even the mindsets, right? For one, having the thing at the party might create that reduced food noise, that balance, it might be worth it to them. Well, the other person’s like dessert. I don’t freaking care about dessert. Give me all the salty snacks, but there’s no salty snack, so I don’t care. Right? It’s finding your balance. And in that three to five takeaways for somebody who’s really like, okay, I need to assess. I want to find my balance because I know through the summer into the holiday season, I am going to be navigating these times and my goals are very important to me, but I need to find a balance, three to five

Michelle (26:27):
Big tips, takeaways for them. So the number one thing is actually sitting down and thinking of the things that you value and what you find worth it. And I’m talking think of the events. You’re going to think about the holiday time. What are those foods that you really are willing to spend some of that your calories on that is going to make you feel satisfied, make you feel like you’re truly part of the event as well? Consider what is going to be the best thing for you long-term when it comes to food noise. Ask yourself those questions. Think again. Consider past events when you have said no to things, what has that led to later? Maybe not that day, maybe that next day or maybe that weekend. Really making sure that you’re never using any event as an excuse. I’ve heard this so many times when it comes to boundary settings where it was like, oh, well, I wasn’t feeling well and then I felt stressed, and then it corresponded with this, well, I’m going to tell you I don’t know anyone that doesn’t have some stress around a holiday, some stress around a vacation traveling alone is going to cause stress.

(27:37):
So don’t use that as an excuse as to, so everything just went off. No. Take the time actually sit down and think of those boundaries, and I’m going to push it even further. Don’t just think, write it down and actually practice what you’re going to say. I’m sure as we’ve talked about this, everyone has thought of a relative or a friend or someone that’s pushing that drink, pushing that food, think about them and the best way to say no, whether it is just flat out no, or whether it is one of the responses of, okay, I’m going to redirect or reflect or connect with them in a different way. Consider the person in your life that that’s going to be your biggest thing that you need to address and truly sit down and come up with responses. You know, you know what that food item or drink or whatever is going to be that they tend to push on you. So truly be prepared, and as silly as it sounds, practice saying it. Practice Ashley taking the time to say it because the more you practice, the more you’re not going to feel on the spot and stumble. So that’s going to be my biggest advice when it comes to navigating these events is truly consider how you’ve done it in the past and what you would like to do for that particular event, and then practice how you’re actually going to say things. And I want

Cori (29:02):
To end on a slightly hard perspective slash not as positive a note to think about, but I think something that’s super key. If every day is legendary, no day is legendary. And also we value what we’ve fought for. Days become special because they actually are those unique special days. And a lot of times we say, oh, I can’t see results because there’s all these parties. Well, are all those parties really meant to be legendary? If you’re really giving into what you’ve always done at those points, what didn’t get you the results that you want? Are you really valuing what you’ve already fought for or would even saying no at? Some of things make you feel better about your goals, about yourself, about your vision, and even about the days then that you do feel are worth it to indulge. So it’s also really questioning yourself of like, am I just repeating a routine and habit that is easy or am I truly valuing special events and shifting that perspective? Because again, it’s really easy to just say, oh, it’s party, it’s this. But if every day is legendary, no day is actually special and legendary. So just remember that. Wanted to share that one perspective shift. Michelle, any closing thoughts?

Michelle (30:15):
No, I actually, I don’t want to even mess with that. I liked that saying that you just shared, so I’m going to keep it with every day’s legendary, no days, legendary.

Cori:

Well, on that note, have a fabulous rest of your week.

*Note: This transcript is autogenerated there may be some unintended errors.