Cori (00:03):
Hey guys, this is Cori from Redefining Strength. Welcome to the Fitness Hacks Podcast.. This is the show where I share all my free workout and nutrition tips. I’m not going to ever fill this episode with sponsorships or ask you to buy anything. All I ask in return is if you’re enjoying the podcast to leave a review or leave a five star rating or even better share with somebody you think it might help. This will only take a few minutes and would mean the world to me and possibly change the life of someone. So let’s jump right in. Will you be the victor or the victim? Call me a control freak, but I always like to try and choose to be the victor in anything, and I’m super excited to dive into this topic, this mindset with Ashley, who’s one of my fabulous trainers and coach managers. Ashley, thank you for joining me today. I’m super excited to jump into Victor, our victim, how we create that victor mindset.

Ashley (00:53):
Yeah, absolutely. I’m excited to be here. This is one of those philosophies that personally I live and breathe and one day may die by. And this is one of the things that I think really sets the course for success for anybody who’s starting on any method of transformation, mental or physical.

Cori (01:17):
And so we often hear mindset matters most when it comes to making habit changes, achieving success. Can you talk a little bit about what that really means, like the subconscious versus the conscious and how we can go about changing our mindset to see results?

Ashley (01:34):
Yeah, absolutely. So within each of us, we have our conscious brain and our conscious brain. I usually think of it as like the prefrontal cortex or the front brain. It’s doing most of your thinking for you. So if you have a thought that’s going to be in your conscious brain, and most of us think that we rule our lives by the conscious brain, but actually we’re living about 95% of our life with the subconscious brain, which is patterns of recognition experience, the way that we really view the world and the subconscious brain is actually formed from the time we are in the womb until about seven years old. And this is where it can get a little bit tricky because while we’re going through those first seven years of life, we are developing essentially the way that we process the world, the way we think about the world, our own capabilities, ability, and even disability.

(02:30):
And the problem is most of us don’t have control of our life from the time we’re in the womb till we’re seven years old. We are almost a victim to our parents, our circumstances, the thoughts that are imbued into our brain during that time. And we don’t make conscious choice during those age. We really are just moving out of instinct and everything that we’re learning and sponging up from the world around us. Now after seven years of age, we start to have a little bit more independence. We start to assert ourselves more as and really develop our personality, our thoughts, our ways of being. However, the subconscious brain is still acting underneath all of that, which means as we get older and we start getting curious about the world, we start exploring and we start really taking ownership over our life. A lot of our actions and our habits are actually driving from the subconscious versus the conscious brain.

(03:30):
And so what we see is we make decisions, we make choices, we even pursue different actions that while we might think we’re consciously making that choice, what’s driving us is all of those habits and experiences that have been rooted on a subconscious level from the time that we are young, when essentially we really are a victim, a victim to the circumstances around us, to our parenting. Sorry, parents, I’m not trying to tell you. You were terrible to me, but we don’t have a lot of control and we take all of that subconscious wiring, if you will, and we bleed that into our adulthood. And so we hear this a lot from a person or from a client that might be saying, I don’t know why I keep doing this. I don’t know why I keep following the same pattern and the same cycle. And then they feel shame and they feel guilt and they feel fear about it. Like, well, I’ve done this the same way a hundred million times, I don’t know how to break it. And it’s because most of the time what they’re trying to do is behavior modify without getting into the root of the subconscious of really changing the way that they think about themselves and changing the way that we experience the world, the identity and the truths that we hold about ourselves. And this was very much my experience, and that’s where I started diving into all of the neuroplasticity, understanding how the brain works, understanding new ways of being.

Cori (05:04):
I think it’s so interesting how in describing that you use the word victim because I think instantly hearing that my brain was like, oh, it’s crazy that that is the allure back sometimes for some of us. And we have to build that self-awareness of where that mindset is really coming from. Simply writing it off. Doing behavior modification as you mentioned, doesn’t really get to the heart of the fact that we might have this innate belief to some extent that we are a victim. And so in creating that victor mindset, it comes back to controlling what we can control, but in controlling what you can control, recognizing things that were out of your control, and then having that self-awareness to make changes on that. How would you go about building that self-awareness? Because I think it’s hard to not just say, oh, well, this is a pattern I keep repeating, or even just feeling guilt and shame because you’re repeating something that feels outside of your control. How do you start to go back into building that self-awareness, diving into those things to then gain the power to adjust your mindsets behind those actions?

Ashley (06:11):
Oh my goodness, yes. So this is that root, because most of us are functioning on our subconscious level on autopilot throughout our day. Most of us don’t take the pause or the stop to really reflect and ask even the question, why am I doing this? Or one of my favorite questions is like, are you thinking about what you’re thinking about? We have so many thoughts that just fire into our brain daily, one after the other, after the other, and we just almost succumb to them. But most of those thoughts are rooted somewhere along the line of our life of a belief that we developed. So in asking the question, where do we even start with this? I think identifying, and this is where some of the deep work comes in, where if I can just use a personal example, I had a lot of beliefs from my childhood that really were seeped into my subconscious, and I’m just going to give you a really brief overview, but I spent a lot of my younger years in foster care and then went through an adoption process, an un adoption process, and a adoption process with a new family throughout from my ages of zero to six years old.

(07:30):
So right in that time where your subconscious brain is being developed. And so I say all of that to say is during that time, there was some limiting beliefs or a narrative that started forming in my mind of I’m not wanted, I’m not loved. I’m going to constantly be rejected. However, I didn’t realize that was a limiting belief or even my narrative. I’m just going through life and going through high school and then college and in college is really where that subconscious brain started just flaring up all over the place in pursuit to get the things that I wanted, which was love and acceptance. I started making a lot of decisions that were incredibly self-sabotaging, so overwhelming my plate with every extracurricular that I could think about that would give me esteem or prowess or make think people think highly of me while simultaneously at the same time pursuing a lot of romantic relationships and really trying to just fit in with every single crowd that I could.

(08:37):
And I really almost ruined my life at that point. And I say I almost ruined my life at that point because in the midst of making all of these decisions that I thought I was making and not understanding why behind them, I lost a full ride scholarship in college. I actually ended up dropping out of college my last semester before graduation, and there was a flurry of other choices in there. And at that point I just succumb to the idea of this is just who I am. I’m a person that’s always going to mess up. I’m a person that I can’t handle high pressure situations, a lot of anxiety. I’m just a person that has a lot of anxiousness and therefore I can’t perform.

(09:25):
And it wasn’t until the point that I got pregnant that I took a really hard stop and look at my life. And this is where I say for each of you that’s watching, you’re like, why is this lady going on and on about that? The point is, my subconscious brain was kind of acting for me to receive love, affection, attention, and then feeling like when I started failing, I started pulling back a little bit. And it wasn’t until I had a ton of pressure and pain almost applied to that situation and something that was beyond the circumstances of just trying to receive adoration or trying to get my college degree. No, here was a baby that could not live in the circumstances that I was living in. And it was almost like so much pain applied to that moment and fear of beyond myself what this was going to do to this young child.

(10:22):
If I continued living my life in that way, that made me pause and go, why do I keep making these decisions that keep causing me to backtrack or fall down? And that’s when I went back to the fact of like, oh, well, so many of these decisions that I’ve made have come from the fact that yes, I was a victim to choices that other people around me made, but if I didn’t start taking some ownership and control, I was going to imbue those same circumstances on my child, which is kind of heavy when you think about it. So it was really that moment of I have to do something different that caused me to go, I have to start discovering why I’m making these decisions and do something different because there’s no way that this pattern is going to repeat anymore. And I think that can be applied to a lot of our clients where they reach a point of something has to change and something has to give, and I need to uncover what the beliefs are that I’m believing about myself and about my circumstances before I can move forward.

(11:34):
Some of my favorite work I do with my clients when they suddenly have an aha moment of, oh my goodness, why do I keep repeating this pattern? Oh, it’s because I actually believe that I’m not worthy. I actually believe I’m not important enough or that my sole purpose is just serve everybody around me, and it’s not okay for me to take time for myself. It’s not okay for me. Or even the fear of if I take time for myself, is that going to be hurting someone else? And this is the deep stuff that’s the reflection point.

Cori (12:11):
But I think you’re hitting on, I mean, you hit on so many key points, and just to even unpack those, we can dive in a little bit more. But the key question of why I think so often we repeat a behavior, we do something, we make a statement, but we never look at what’s driving that statement, what’s driving that thought and that question of why do I hold this belief? Why am I stating this? Why do I think I can’t do this? Why do I believe I’m a certain way? We don’t ever look at the driver. And in that we perpetuate the narrative about ourselves that we’ve always sort of told. And the only way to make a change from one, even if you wholeheartedly are thinking right now, well, hey Corey and Ashley, that’s all well and good, but I am this way. Ask yourself why.

(12:56):
What proves in your life this narrative? Are they things that you are actually doing to repeat this, to perpetuate it, to make this cycle true? Because I think like what you said, you were a victim to outside things. We all are a victim to outside things. We can’t control everything. However, we can always control our response. So in even owning the things we were victims of and taking ownership of them, which is giving ourselves back that control, that victim mindset, we can then move forward. And so in taking ownership in your own journey and how you help clients do that, can we talk a little bit more about techniques, tips to start doing that hard reflection to start making those hard changes?

Ashley (13:38):
Absolutely. So you just hit on one of the biggest techniques you can use right there is the stop and pause method. We live in a crazy busy world, and like I said, most people are functioning on autopilot throughout their day. Now, given you need your subconscious brain to function on autopilot, if you’re talking on the phone and driving, we please pray that your subconscious brain is taking you where you need to go, and you’re also noticing the things around you. So don’t think that the subconscious brain is working against you, it’s actually working for you. And this is the coolest part about change, is that we have the power to actually rewire our brain and rewire our identity, the way we think about things, our core commitments. We have the power to do that. But the first thing that you have to do is you have to stop and ask yourself the question of, am I thinking about what I’m thinking about right now?

(14:36):
You just got down to the root of it, Corey, where you said, am I asking myself why am I doing what I’m doing without judgment, without shame, without guilt, without anything, but really getting curious about yourself and diving into that. For instance, I have a client that we were just talking about alcohol, and she was like, I had such a great day. I had a perfect day. And then we went out to eat and I had my macros lined up, and then I still chose to drink. And she’s like, why did I do that? I said, okay, let’s pause. Let’s spend a couple of questions. Getting curious just about, well, why? What caused that? What was it going to give to me that I was missing? Why am I seeking out alcohol in this season of my life right now? Not that the alcohol is good, bad or ugly or anything in between, just what is it?

(15:28):
And I think that’s the first step is taking the pause to ask yourself what produced a behavior or a choice that fell out of your control in the moment? And then with every step, and I’m a big believer, I’m a big believer that therapy is incredibly important, and then you also pursue coaching to help propel you forward from that awareness, right? So if you understood the why, now we have to say, I have to replace that with something because I can’t just sit in the place of going, and this was my biggest fault. I am a victim. All of this bad stuff happened to me. It was out of my control, and therefore, my life is always going to be out of control and I’m always going to make these decisions. And I realized, and it was stepping into the gym that made me realize this, because the coolest thing about a muscle development is you either work the muscle or you don’t.

(16:22):
You either show up and do the exercise, and I keep thinking of an upright route. I’m either going to develop the shoulder muscle or I’m not going to develop the shoulder muscle. It’s up to me. Life is the same way. I can either sit into the place of saying, well, I am just a victim and these hard things happen to me, or this person in my life is doing this to me, or the weather just keeps pouring rain outside and it’s just the way it’s, or I can say, okay, I understand why I am doing this. Now I have to replace that with something else. And this is where the power of visualization is incredibly important. If you want to rewire the brain on a subconscious level, you have to feed that brain a new image, a new idea, essentially give it a different experience that it hasn’t experienced before.

(17:19):
And I’m just going to warn you all this is going to sound a little woo woo for a moment. It just is going to sound woo woo, but I firmly believe in it because I’ve witnessed it in my life and in my client’s lives throughout the last 10 years where your subconscious brain only has all the circumstances in life that have led up to it until you start giving it something else to feed on. So if I’m sitting here right now with you, Corey, I can be in the present, I can be thinking about the past, or I can be forecasting to the future. And my subconscious brain can’t tell the difference between what is actually happening right now between you and I and what happened in the past in the future. Meaning if I focus on my past and say, this was awful, this was terrible, and it’s just who I am.

(18:10):
My subconscious brain is going to keep programming thoughts, habits, and actions that take me in the direction of that version of myself. Or if I start visualizing and forecasting my future, meaning I can sit here right now with you and I can pull out three months from now, who do I want to be? What does life look like? How am I operating? How do I wake up in the morning? Am I energized and I can start daydreaming and actually giving my subconscious brain a different goal, a different experience, something that is powerful, joyful, wonderful, and my subconscious brain will start producing thoughts, actions, and habits that lead me in the direction that I want to go versus the direction I do not want to go. And this is where we really settle into the victor mindset. The victor mindset says, I may not have had control over that, but I can state it for what it was. I can announce it, say goodbye to it, and I can move in the direction I want to go. And even right now as I sit with you, I might not be exactly where I want to be, but I can bring my life in the direction that I want it to go through this process of literally daydreaming about where we’re going to go and then letting my actions line up with it.

Cori (19:40):
I think of that as acting as if the visualization, because for me, that makes it a little less visualization in my head, but gives me the direction and also makes it action based. So I love that you brought that up, and I think there’s so many key points in the stages that you need to go through with this because there is a taking ownership of the past. It’s never running from what happened. It’s always recognizing it because when we recognize it, we can then take back control. We can’t just write things off or say, this is the way it is. Again, it’s reflecting on it to learn from it to not make those mistakes in the future. And it’s truly diving deep with the why, because I think that’s something that we don’t often do. We say, well, this is why, right? I want alcohol because I’ve always had alcohol in these things.

(20:25):
Instead of saying, okay, well, I’ve always had alcohol at these things and I’m afraid of how my friends are going to perceive me and judge my new habits because maybe I feel this peer pressure because of X, Y, and Z thing. And in going deeper than that, we get to the real root of it where we can then find what really truly makes us happy. Versus I think so often we ask the superficial why, and then we try and replace the behavior. We do some modification, we go on a diet instead of adjusting our diet, so to speak. And so in the end, we don’t really make a lasting change. But that comes back to the acting as if when you’re visualizing something, you’re not just visualizing stuff to fake it till you make it. You’re not just putting things on that you won’t actually want to do or do. You are thinking about where do I want to go? Who’s the person I want to be? And what are the true habits that person is doing to then take action on those things? You’re giving yourself that clear roadmap to results, but it’s giving yourself the things that that person is doing so that you recognize you have the choice to move forward and create that new narrative, it sounds like.

Ashley (21:27):
Yeah, you hit it spot on, spot on by knowing who you want to be and by almost again, taking that control, like you said, to say, no, this is who I want to be. This is what she does on a day-to-day basis. This is how she wants to act in those, even that situation where you’re feeling the peer pressure of people around you being like, oh, just one more. Just have one more. You’re such a drudge and having the power to say, thanks, I’m having a great time as is, and carry on with life where you’re saying, this is who I want to be. And you’re so settled into that, that it’s not a question of do I drink the alcohol or not drink the alcohol? It’s really a question of I am making the choice to drink the alcohol or to not drink the alcohol, and I get to own that for myself.

(22:27):
No one else has control over it. I get to make the choice, and it always cracks me up because people will be like, oh, you probably never drink and you never do this. And I always kind of push back on that and I said, no, I find a way to work it into my life, but I also make the decision about when I want to and when I don’t want to, and I don’t feel bad about it. I just continue on with my life. I also think, and this could go on another tangent, but so I won’t go too far, but I think it takes away the anxiety of making the decision because instead, you settle into your power of being able to make the decision. It’s not about do I or don’t I? It’s just about you saying, no, I have the power to choose. No matter my circumstances, I get to choose who I want to be, how I show up and the future that I’m building for myself. And there’s something so empowering about claiming, always picture it, take the crown, claim your crown as a victor, and put that on top of your head to say, no, I get to make the choices that best serve the life I want to build for myself, and this is the choice that I’m making.

Cori (23:37):
Putting the crown in your head is a much better visual than mine, which generally taking back my power in a situation where people might question my decisions, I give the kiss the bicep example because that’s my go-to maybe just because I like to be more awkward. But the crown example is definitely a little bit better visual, taking back your power. So I really love that. Off of this one final question I have for you, because I think it’s sometimes the hardest thing to do and something that people need a little help with. How do you actually create that interruption, that pause in your brain to step back and assess when it’s very easy to just keep moving forward or fall back into that victim mindset over realizing you had the choice, you had the power, it’s a narrative you’re repeating. How would you recommend that someone helps themselves start to create that pause, that interruption to be able to reflect?

Ashley (24:28):
I think it’s two part. And so one of the biggest impacts that really helped me to interrupt my life is I sought out help. This is going to sound very, very corny, but my first personal trainer, I walked into the gym and I was like, I want to be a bodybuilder. I want to be on stage and I want to be a bodybuilder. And this is right after I had my child. She was like six months old, and I in her little baby carrier, I walked in like, I want to do this because what I thought it was going to give me was more attention and admiration because my body would look so nice, and it did, it does. I won’t lie. But the reason why I say that interruption, that was the interruption point, was I sought out another perspective and someone to help me kind of step outside of my day-to-day life and help me recognize what my patterns were, help me to recognize what was serving me and wasn’t serving me.

(25:33):
And I think this is where having someone in your corner that is outside perspective, looking in and just observing and helping you recognize your own patterns without judgment, but with so much care and empathy and so much support is incredibly important. I think the second thing on a more of a day-to-day basis, that a person could do just very brass tacks, bones taking about five minutes every day, five minutes where you recap your day and really reflect on how did that day go? What were the choices and decisions that I made throughout the day? Was there a point where I felt like a little bit stumbling? Or why did I make the choice I did? And really taking that five minutes to observe, reflect on oneself, and then to say, well, if there’s anything, what would I change in this? Why would I change that? What do I want to change about it? It’s a very, again, people do call me booboo sometimes because I’m all about the brain and what the brain can do for you, but having just that five minute reflection and then application for your next day can be incredibly powerful. And then spending an additional five minutes just visualizing how you want that next day to go can be really, really powerful and helping set up someone for success.

Cori (27:00):
It’s not woo though it’s doing something that for a lot of us might be slightly outside of our comfort zone. And I think that was both of the things you mentioned, hiring somebody, working with somebody else, stepping into a new competition, writing stuff down. These are all things that might challenge what we’re doing now and might be uncomfortable for us. And I think that’s often what we need. Just saying, oh, this feels uncomfortable. I’m going to do it. And that little interrupt there gets us starting to question different things. It’s even with coaching where someone’s like, oh, well, maybe I’ll do this next month, or now’s not the right time. If some day is going to be the right time, why not make that day today? Because if you don’t face that hard today, maybe someday doesn’t come, and then you never make that reflection.

(27:44):
You never change that mindset. So if you’re pushing up against the hard right now or the uncomfortable say, Hey, I’m going to do this today, because that might be the pattern interrupt, you actually need to make the changes. You need to become that victor to create that mindset. So Ashley, thank you so much for joining me. I do just want to take a quick look in the group to see if there are any questions comes or concerns. And guys, if you do watch the replay and have anything, Ashley and I will go back through afterwards to reply to stuff. I do see one question right now or comment from Darla. This is so enlightening and helpful. Having worked on behavior modification for a very long time in this program with great success, there’s still a part of me that has imposter syndrome, fear of waking up at square one is real when we know that we started this journey after having had slowly lost our way.

(28:29):
I guess it’s just as important to learn to trust ourselves as well as trusting the process. So I want to get your input on this as well, Ashley, but to give my feedback on this, you’re never going to not doubt yourself and doubts can be a good thing, but when we doubt ourself, that’s again where we have to question why, and we have to go back to what the data is saying because there are going to be blips and progress results. We don’t like happening, but we can’t let those detract from what’s actually going on. That’s where you have to say, Hey, I’m worried I’m going to fall back into these old patterns. Okay, well, what does your daily consistency say in terms of your food tracking? What are your workouts and your logs say in terms of your progress with movements? What does other data, like clothing fitting or energy levels or any of these other things actually telling you?

(29:12):
And the more you look at those things and you pause when you’re feeling like maybe things are going backwards or not the way you want, you’re worried you’re falling back into that old identity, that can really help. And maybe even as you’re moving forward saying, Hey, at the end of each day, I’m going to reflect on did I do all the things I did to give myself that little check mark so that I can trust in the process? But we’re always going to have self-doubts, and that’s not a bad thing. That is what helps us. The fear of going back to where we were is what drives us constantly forward to improve. We just have to recognize the flip side of that, that can make us sabotage the current habits we have and seek out something new. Seek out something better, seek out something different instead of just staying consistent. Ashley, your thoughts on this?

Ashley (29:54):
Yeah, I think specifically to speak to the imposter syndrome, understanding that you are creating a new identity. The old version of you, the old version of you has died and has gone away, but the old version of you was comfortable for 18, 20, 29, 40 years of your life. And our brains are hardwired to want security stability. And so I think, again, what Corey said, the recognition and almost the acceptance of, well, of course I’m going to have fear of going backwards. Of course, this is going to feel a little unfamiliar to me because this is a brand new version of myself that I’ve built, I’ve created, and also, I don’t want to lose her, right? And I think this is where settling into the discomfort and the unfamiliarity and getting excited about the fact that this is new. It’s a whole new, it’s a whole new identity that you’ve owned and almost saying, well, I’m comfortable with the uncomfortable right now, but I’m not going backwards. I’m just going to be taking another small step, another small step. And also just celebrating what a badass I’ve become. Let’s give her a pat on the back and say, all right, girl, this is uncomfortable, but we’re going to keep going forward,

Cori (31:15):
Forward. And even off of that, one final thought is just in maintaining even the progress we’ve built. It’s hard because part of what we do seek in life is constantly sort of growing new, more better, all these different things. We have shiny object syndrome for a reason, and this helps us keep pushing forward, but we also have to recognize that it is those boring basics done daily at times. We don’t want to do them that ultimately keep us moving forward. So sometimes recognizing our own need for growth, our own desire for growth, and even the fact that that might come from some subconscious thing that even happened when we were younger too, and reflecting on that and owning that so that we don’t sabotage ourselves in getting distracted. And we said stay focused, because I do think sometimes it’s very tempting to just want something new and exciting when often results are built off of things that aren’t as exciting. But sorry, Ashley. Yeah,

Ashley (32:12):
No, I was just saying yes to that. Yes, to that.

Cori (32:16):
Thanks for listening to the Fitness Hack podcast. Again, this is the place where I share all my free workout and nutrition tips. I’m never going to run sponsorships or ask you to buy anything. All I ask in return is if you’re enjoying the podcast to leave a rating, review or share it with someone you think it might help. This will only take a few minutes, and it would mean the world to me and possibly change the life of someone.

*Please Note: this transcript is auto-generated and there may be some errors in the transcript